‘I hate you so much right now’ is a common phrase most of us have felt towards our mate during moments of frustration and anger. Honestly, this is probably the pg rated version of peoples’ arguments. Even the couple who seem to have the perfect relationship have to confront anger and disagreements at some time. We are all human. And sometimes our emotions get the best of us.
The fact is, in the midst of anger, we say some of the cruelest and most hateful things to one another. It is not that we are necessarily meaning to be malicious, but in anger, we say whatever comes to our mind. People usually become reckless with their words because their feelings are hurt. One of our clients called my husband/partner, Oneness, late one evening to vent about how angry his girlfriend made him. I remember he said he was so enraged that he started spitting and drooling. Being caught up in emotion, can cause even the sweetest person to lose control, and at some point, want to go for the jugular. Mainly, we don’t want to be the only one angry or in pain, we want our spouse to feel our frustrations too.
Ultimately, the need to voice our frustrations is not the problem. We have the right to express our feelings. It’s actually very beneficial to the relationship to have time to openly and honestly communicate with each other. The problem is in the approach to the conversation. It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it! One of the first questions that we ask our clients is when you are preparing to have a discussion with your significant other, are you doing so to get a specific response? Or are you opened to honest communication where you are willing to really listen to each other’s perspectives? If you are not opened to receiving each other’s perspectives, then more likely than not, you are not looking for resolutions. You are looking to get a reaction. This is not conducive to the relationship, and in fact, it can be toxic.
It is essential that we are receptive to our partner’s response and reactions to any issue being discussed. As a relationship coach, the first suggestion we give to our clients is before you walk into a discussion with your partner, take the time to collect yourself. Take a bath, do a meditation, slow down your breathing. (Bet you didn’t realize that your breath has become shallow and rapid!) It is so important to collect your emotions! Set the atmosphere for the discussion to take place. Make sure the atmosphere is peaceful. That means turn off all technology and give your partner your undivided attention. Remember, throughout the discussion that this is the person you love. You don’t want to hurt each other. You want to resolve the issues so that the relationship can be harmonious. We must learn how to speak kindly and lovingly to each other! The goal is to see your mate as an outer manifestation of an aspect of your inner self.