Let’s mentally teleport to somewhere really nice. If you haven’t been on a vacation yet, you can thank me later for this. Imagine that we are all sitting by the water with some nice Bahama Mamas while we talk about the complexities of life. Get comfy, throw up your feet and enjoy the breeze.
There are simply not enough words to describe life transformations sometimes! If you read my latest post before this one, you would already have the tea about what has been going on spiritually with me as of late.
In that post I mainly talked more about how the entire Universe conspired to make sure everything that I knew before that time fell ALL the way apart. Contrary to popular belief, things falling apart is not always a bad thing. Actually it’s a REALLY good thing. Let me explain.
For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. – Cynthia Occelli
It’s easy to get on social media, post pictures and create amazingly inspirational statuses that will help motivate anyone. But it’s an entirely different thing to be in the midst of everything falling apart (or so it seems) and still manage to be vulnerable. Easier said than done, trust me. You know, we all get on each other about posting the “highlights” of our lives all the time and how happy everyone portrays their lives to be. There are even studies that prove how this affects some people. But do you want to know the kinds of things I like seeing when I scroll through my timeline? Authentic, raw and transparent commentary about the journey of someone who is constantly striving to BE light. And being HONEST about it. You can’t paint a pretty picture all the time.
This isn’t to say that it has to be a novel or that I enjoy digitally feeling people crying their eyes out every five minutes about the low points in their life. I still believe some things need to be kept in a journal, yes. What I’m trying to say is that as a society AND community, we have a really hard time truly being vulnerable when our shit really does stink. Even worse, sometimes we lack the grace to express it in the right way. And you can forget about holding ourselves accountable for it all. Ask me how I know? I was given the same reality check.
Quite frankly, my recent process of coming undone most definitely triumphs the process I had going on almost a year ago, when I was embracing the unknown of some things that were transpiring in my life at that time. When going through things in my life, my usual M.O. is to immediately find a safe, hidden space to figure it all out. To the public, I will sometimes put on the “poker face”. Honey, Lady Gaga had nothing on my game. During this transformation period, I found myself being thrown out of my comfort zone and into experiences where I HAD to be vulnerable and raw about what was going on at that time. I couldn’t understand why I was getting opportunities left and right BUT in the midst of me having to put things on hold and feeling like everything wasn’t going to work out the way I planned.
Here are a few lessons I learned along the way:
Lesson 1: Your Vulnerability Heals Others Too
It was in those moments where I realized that the Universe was straight ripping my cloak off of me for all the world to see ( at least that’s the way it felt to me). Even though I still had time to stay to myself and work behind the scenes to sort some things out, there was still another side that was drawing things in. During this time, I vividly remember a friend of mine reaching out for my writing services. I didn’t realize how burned out I was getting until I started to work on what he needed my help with. I mean, I literally had THEE hardest time writing things that were so natural to me. My mind and heart were all over the place. Instead of my friend catching an attitude, he called me out and reached out to me in a way that let me know “Hey, there’s someone who understands EXACTLY what I’m going through. All I had to do was open up a little more.” When I expressed what was going on, he helped me through my emotions and even gave me some tips on how to resolve and improve certain things. Over the course of some weeks, not only did this help me finish up the project HE needed from me much faster, but it also allowed me to help him through something he needed which in turn greatly helped BOTH of our businesses in a HUGE way. Now we look back at it in awe and laugh because it was THAT mind-blowing. Had I not laid down my resistance and allowed myself to be vulnerable, I would have missed a vital piece of my undoing. You see how that works?
LADIES: If you don’t have really amazing male friends, you better get you some! Masculine presence is everything that you need! Don’t act like you don’t know!
Lesson 2: Know Who You Are At Your Core..And Don’t Apologize For That Shit!
While going through this transformation, I was also going through the process of a complicated breakup. Complications make everything else..well even more complicated. Imagine being that butterfly that is completely changing its form and DNA while watching your caterpillar of a boyfriend become unrecognizable to you right before your very eyes. Yea. It was like that. Where I was going, I just couldn’t take certain people. And I most DEFINITELY couldn’t allow apart of myself to die because I wanted to stay recognizable to them either. The conflict and frustration that I endured throughout that whole ordeal helped me to stand more firm in who I was and to NEVER let anyone define that for me ever again. The more I was allowing myself to be taken away from my core, the more my essence starting running back to it like my life depended on it. Because it actually did. To the person on the outside, I was seen as being a “rebel”. I realized that if that’s what I had to be to be unapologetically me, then they could buy me the shirt to go with it!
It is SO important to not only know who are, but OWN it and not worry about how you will be judged. Why? Because for every ONE person that can’t deal with that part of you (mostly because that part of you challenges a part of THEM they haven’t addressed within themselves yet..Uh oh, am I stepping on some toes yet? STOMP. ) there is a WHOLE crew waiting for you to express that part so they can snatch you up, love you, guide you and SUPPORT you like the long-lost little sister/brother they never had.
So let those few “can’t dealers” go. I can guarantee you that as they walk away, there’s a spark you lit in them that won’t go away. It will light them up eventually.
Lesson 3: Grace is Sufficient, So Fall Right
Like I described the fall of the Sky Mother, Ataensic, in Native American Mythology, I too had felt like I had fell from grace. HARD. In my eyes, there was just nothing cute about how everything was just breaking apart. To the people that know me really well, my turmoil could be seen on my face. To redirect the energy spent brooding over things that were just not working out, I would throw myself into other things. I’m not one to sulk for too long. Doing everything on my own was causing me to become very low tolerant with certain things with my friends, needing more solitude than usual and eventually I didn’t even feel like doing my usual spiritual practices because I was so out of it emotionally.
What I was reminded of was that in some ways, I was loosing my grace. As a dancer, I’ve always been taught to never worry about the little mistakes or fumbles that I may make during a live performance. It’s always important to keep dancing. Why? Because those little mistakes you make look COMPLETELY different to the audience. If anything, they think that it’s apart of the flow of choreography you’re expressing and appreciate it even more. I can attest to that fully. You would think I would’ve remembered this when I felt like I was stumbling all over the place during my transformation period but..reminders have an uncanny way of coming when they’re needed, and NOT when you expect them.
“When life doesn’t meet your expectations, it was important to take it with grace.”
Wanna know a secret? Although I’ve felt as if I’ve already broken out of my Chrysalis, I am still getting used to these new wings. It’s said that when a butterfly has emerged out of its cocoon, its wings are still wet. However, this doesn’t mean that her wings are too wet to fly. What you don’t see close up is that she has to push the fluid from the front of her little body TO her wings so that she’s balanced, poised and ready for take off.
You ain’t seen nothing yet.
“Butterflies are self propelled flowers.”